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Tips on How to Let Go of Somone to Move On

Tips on How to Let Go of Someone

Can you believe 2019 is about to draw its curtains? For a lot of us, this is the time when we are wondering how to let go of certain people in our lives – a toxic boyfriend/girlfriend, a close friend… You know you have to let go for your mental and spiritual health but you’re struggling. I’ve been there. Over the years, I’ve had to let go certain people in my life and it was a process. Letting go of some (not all) of these people was gut-wrenchingly painful and haaaaard. I also felt very alone during the journey. This is why I hope my experience will be of help to anyone out there who’s going through something similar. Continue Reading…

black polo neck with silver skirt

Definition of Letting Go

In this article, I focus on how to let go of 2 types of people – the man/woman in your life you had a romantic relationship with and the friend you shared a close bond with.
When I say letting go, I don’t mean pretending that the relationship never existed or denying the good times you had due to the painful/hurtful way it ended. Rather, by letting go, I mean finding the strength to accept that you cannot change the current situation and let go of the past.
silver metallic midi skirt

Why Should You Let Go?

Whether it’s your platonic or romantic relationship that has come to an end. There are several reasons why you should let go when it’s clear you’ve come to the end of the road in a relationship. Some of these reasons include:
  • You can’t force someone to like or love you
  • To stop focusing/obsessing about the past and live in the now
  • Pursuing unrequited love (platonic or romantic) can take a toll on you mentally (e.g. it can lead to depression)

Now let’s shift our attention to how to let go of ‘that’ man in your life.

white fur feather cardigan

How To Let Him Go

The ‘Him’ I’m talking about is the Mr Big in your life. The 4 ladies in Sex and The City may have sipped their last round of Cosmopolitans well over a decade ago, but as long as humans continue to walk the earth – there’ll always be a Mr Big. That unavailable, emotionally bankrupt yet charming and attractive man. The guy who with one nonchalant quirk of an eyebrow can take you soaring up to the heavens and with one careless remark can slam you crashing down into the pit of hell. But despite this constant emotional rollercoaster – you’re in love. You hopeful things will change, so you stick it out.

You know you are walking in a minefield but you take the risk anyway – just to feel that high. You’re addicted, you loathe yourself for it but you don’t know how to let him go.

Full disclaimer – my experience has been how to let go of the Mr Big  you’re dating. I can’t give any insight into how to let go of a Mr Big you’re in a long-term relationship with (and that includes marriage).

I strongly believe that to let go of a toxic man you’re dating, you have to:

  •  Come to a point of total honesty with yourself (i.e. stop sugar-coating the damaging position you’re in with your crush)
  • Reach a point of self-worth, self-love and self-appreciation.

Personally speaking, that’s not an easy point to arrive when you see no fishies in the sea and you’re the wrong side of 30.

However, from my past experience, I’ve been able to let go of good-for-whole-lotta-nothing guys when I’ve been able to come to the decision that I deserve better. And not only that, when I’ve been able to act on that decision by ending the relationship with the guy.

The latter point is where a lot of us women fall short. I’ve been guilty of it myself, I’m in a toxic relationship, I know the guy in question is as good for me as a hole in the head, but I can’t let go.

snakeskin bag
If you find you have a pattern of giving an All-Access pass to the Mr Big’s of the world, I strongly recommend talking to someone for advice and support. It can be a good friend, relative, life counselor, therapist…
And when you get to this place and you have the strength to end the relationship – I advise that it should be a clean break. After you’ve communicated with him that you no longer want to be in the relationship, erase all their contact details. And I mean all. So that includes social media.
Psychologist M.Sc. Carolin Muller attests to the fact that letting go “requires a lot of mental work and can be tiring from time to time, but it is worth the work and you will be much stronger and able to have healthy relationships with others”.
I agree. To truly shut the door on your past and move forward doesn’t happen with one swift action. It’s a process, a commitment you make to yourself everyday via your thoughts and actions. It’s what we have to do to allow a better man to enter our lives or to have a better life experience (even if that means being alone).

How To Let Go Of Someone

One of my most sought after posts in terms of comments and traffic was my post on how to survive being ghosted by a good friend.

What was clear was that people who had experienced a breakup with a good friend were finding it hard to let go. Over the years, I’ve had my share of breakups with good friends. For some, it was natural, I saw it coming and I facilitated the demise. In fact, in the infamous words of Gwyneth Paltrow,  I would call the demise of the relationship a ‘conscious uncoupling’.

Then the were some relationship breakdowns where I’ll liken the experience to listening to one of your favourite songs on your headphones as you cross the street, you’re in the best of moods and then suddenly from the corner of your eyes, you see a big truck travelling down the road at breakneck speed coming right at you. You don’t see it coming, the collision is brutal and hurts like hell. It’s this kind of friendship breakup I’ll focus on.

I’ve been through this kind of catastrophic breakups with good friends more than once and it doesn’t get easier. This is even more so now as life is more complicated. Now I’ve my parents dwindling health to deal with. Add to that – 2 big spoons of working on more than one source of income, a large dollop of my own health issues and you get the picture…

Consequently, going through a bad breakup with a good friend during this time has made me want to adopt the fetal position amd bawl my eyes out like a newborn baby. But at the same time, I’ve known that I couldn’t have that frame of mind for long. I had to stay strong for my family, work colleagues, for my other friends who I wanted to be there for and most of all for me. And to do this, I’ve had to find the strength to let that good friend go. To acknowledge the friendship but ultimately release my hold on the friendship.

When one loses a close friend, the feelings that follow are not conducive to a healthy and functioning mind. Grief, pain, anger, regret, confusion… I am not saying one should skip the process and fake it till you make it. This is dangerous and counterproductive to the healing process when faced with loss because whatever feeling you try to suppress will only come around to bite you in the ass when you least expect it.

silver grey buns braids

Nevertheless, at some point, you have to let go and move on.

Here is what I advise based on my experience-

Talk to Someone

The biggest advice I can give you today if you’re struggling to let go of a close friend is to talk to someone. It can be a good friend, close relative and the like. Or you can reach out to a professional like a life coach, therapist…If you prefer to go the non-professional route –  turn to someone who has shown through the years that they are skilled in handling people – because trust me, people management is a skill and not all of us have it.

Reflect and Take Accountability

During the grieving process, reflect and acknowledge the part you played in the demise of your relationship. You can do this on your own or with someone you trust enough to confide in like a good friend or therapist.  Note that by accountability, I’m not encouraging you to take all the blame.

With the same breath, I’ll say – guuuurl, if you slept with your best friends’ man or were part of a 419 (fraud)scheme to steal money from your close friend and she cut you off, then allll the blame’s on you! And this post is not for your type of situation – so exit stage left bishhh.

Take On a Passion Project

When going through the process of losing a good friend, we are no stranger to feeling insecure, helpless, demotivated…During a breakup, I try to combat these emotions by taking on passion projects that keep me busy and make me happy. Because I’m a creative at heart, this comes easily and naturally.

For example, when dealing with a breakup this year, I set up a fashion blog shoot with a new, talented photographer. This project involved many stages that kept my mind occupied and pushed my creativity.

And you can see the fruits of my labour with the pictures in this blog post which J’adore!

Be a Better Friend

Breaking up with a good friend causes a deep sense of loss and insecurity. You are also likely to feel a range of emotions that leave you weary and sad. The hard part is you know you have to go through the full grieving process, but at the same time, you don’t want to turn into Bitter Betty. This is where focusing on your other good friends and building relationship with new ones come in.

If you’re in your 30s making new friends can be daunting but I’ve got you! I wrote an article giving useful tried-and-tested tips on how to make new friends.

My last tip is not going to work for some people and I accept that. The thing is it really helped me.

Get Your Own Closure

I cannot stress this enough. So many times, I hear from friends who are struggling with letting go of a relationship because they didn’t get closure – they never got to have that final call or email from their good friend where they could discuss all that happened and why it happened.

In an ideal world – relationships would end with a lovely Tiffany bow tied around them. You know – pretty and neat.

But that’s not life. Life can be fuck ugly and brutal. That girl or boy you shared a deep platonic love with can walk away from you and never look back. When you contact them to try and get closure, he/she may ghost you. You may reach out to him/her and find that your hand will be stretched out for all eternity because your friend ain’t never meeting you halfway.
What then?

Like it or not, when we want closure from someone we are inadvertently saying – I cannot move past this experience without your help.

And sometimes, you can be lucky enough to get that closure from a friend, but sometimes you don’t.

I’ve found that when you are able to carry out the steps I’ve mentioned above – especially the part about seeking professional help- you can come to your own closure. This means that you are able to let the relationship go without needing an explanation from your friend.

I came to this point with a friend that used to be close and it was freeing, empowering almost…actually, I did feel powerful. I couldn’t control their behaviour and make them give me closure, but I had power over what I could do on my own to get the closure I required to move on.

So with this point, I’d say – do what works best for you. Everyone’s journey to find closure after a breakup is different.

Purple tights and silver shoes

Letting Go

The topic of this article is a gateway to so many other topics – how to let go of your family home, how to let go of youth…but today I wanted to focus on how to let go of a toxic partner and how to let go of a close friend.

Now, I’d love to hear from you. How have you coped with letting a good friend go or a romantic partner? Are there any other tips you can share?

PssssT: Fash-HUN!

Before I go let’s talk fashion quickly shall we?

It’s Advent season which means the festive season is back in full effect. So, hello sequins, glitter, metallics and all the razzle-dazzle glamour!

With this #OOTD, I show you how to style your wintry day look so it has layers via colour and different textures.

Christmas party metallic midi skirt
White furry cardigan & black polo neck- Zara | Silver skirt –  Yuki   | Purple tights – Calzedonia
Photographer – Donya Joshani